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Virtue has become vice
Young virgins have become restless nymphomaniacs
“Mom and Pop” are a thing of the past like G-rated movies
Well, we’re not gonna take it!
We are not giving in!
I’m thinking of love and family
But all you ever think about is sex

My boyfriend, he’s too physical
He’s getting me upset
You only think of sex
Touchy-feely Romeo
He’s getting me distressed
You only think of sex

Guys like you will never give a girl like me respect
All you ever think about, think about is sex
You get yourself excited just by looking at a dress
All you ever think about, think about is sex

You have a one track mind that’s not like mine
This I do confess
You only think of sex
Listen to me baby please
I have a small request
You only think of sex

Don’t you ever watch TV or study for a test
All you ever think about, think about is sex
It’s way too deep ’cause minds like yours are really too complex
All you ever think about, think about is sex

Does S-E-X really equal L-U-V?
Well, does it?

Well, I guess he really loves me
(He loves me, he loves me not)
Heh, heh
(He loves me, he loves me not)
I know he really loves me
(He loves me, he loves me not)
(He loves me, he loves me not)
(He loves me, he loves me not)
I know
(Of course, he loves me)

My boyfriend is too physical
It’s getting me upset
You only think of sex
Every now and then you know
You put me to the test
You only think of sex

You get yourself excited just by looking at a dress
All you ever think about, think about is sex
You’re complicating matters and you make our lives a mess
All you ever think about, think about is sex
It really isn’t what I want, you’re acting like a pest
All you ever think about, think about is sex
All this physical reaction is just getting me depressed
All you ever think about, think about is sex
Can’t you love me for my mind, this I must request
All you ever think about, think about is sex

Do I even have to point it out?

I can’t believe that a group of girls who would willingly accept the sexy responsibility that comes with naming yourself The Flirts would have the balls to sing a song like this.  Granted, they didn’t write it themselves (that task was given to Bobby Orlando, the mastermind behind this powerhouse trio), but they certainly had to see the irony, right?

Probably not.  It seems as if this group was really just a performance front for Bobby O.  There was an ever-changing lineup of session singers and models and I’m sure they hadn’t even the slightest bit of self-awareness.

I’m not being entirely fair to the group though.  The three girls in the picture above weren’t in the current rotation when this song was released.  Here’s what they looked like at the time:

They aren’t exactly the “sexpot” girls from above, but let’s be honest here.  I think we all know what type of girls they are portraying on the cover.  They are clearly gypsy wench whores - nevermind that they are clearly not interested in my advances (although, I feel like I could potentially win over the one on the right, maybe with some bread and water or something).

By the way, I bet you’re wondering what questions of the heart they were pondering on this album.  Let’s find out!

1. All You Ever Think About Is (Sex)!
We all know what’s going on in this song - well, if you read the lyrics you know. The girls are just so surprised to find out that their boyfriends are nymphos. In fact, they kind of judge them over it. You’d think that while these boys were staring at mile-long cleavage that they’d have clear heads. I’m flummoxed too, girls.

2. Daddy, I’m Not A Baby
This sounds like some Papa Don’t Preach-type stuff but don’t think that this song has any levels beyond, “I can date whoever I want Daddy!” Actually, the lyrics sound like they were written by a 12 year old who is tired of her daddy trying to steal her nose. Or maybe a girl who started out as a tomboy but changed when a boy accidentally touched her boob. Besides the “rock-n-rolling Flirts” sound of keyboard guitars, my favorite part of the song is where she’s telling her father that she doesn’t like to play Cowboys & Indians anymore. “Now,” she says, “cowboys are sooo cute and Indians are sooo cool. You know, my last boyfriend wore a feather on his head. Come to think of it, he wasn’t an Indian!” Is that a slight against Indians or mid-18th-century metrosexuals? I can’t tell.

3. Boys On The Beach
Is this song a metaphor for how the men in their life treat them? Is it about how they never seem to find guys who are serious enough about love and commitment? Is it about how there is an endless ocean of regret and heartache? Or maybe it’s literally about hot dudes in the sand? Well, you’d be wrong on all accounts. It’s starts out as a song about saving dolphins and whales and then just turns into a getaway/I hate responsibility song. Seriously.

4. My Boyfriend Is A Marine
I’m starting to get the feeling that Bobby O isn’t really the wordsmith that I originally thought he was. They might as well have just repeated the title of this song over and over again, at least we’d have something to sing a long to.

5. Just Another Kiss
This song HAD to be improvised. There’s no indication that the writer came up with the title first or was inspired by some event that happened to name this song. They could’ve named it I Love You and THAT would’ve been more subtle.

6. Special Angel
When you’re making pure fluff-pop why would you start any of your songs with a minute long synth opener? Why wouldn’t you just get right to the point so you can make that quick cash and be done with it? Why waste your days in a sweaty studio when you can be on the beach, drinking martinis and looking at bikinis? There’s a couple of songs on here like this and they just make me tired thinking of all the wasted work that went into making them. This song starts out with a proclamation that there is no life in outer space and then just turns into another love song. I don’t get all these weird opening declarations on these songs. It’s like Bobby O feels like he has something to say but the only way he can express himself is by putting the messages in the opening banter. Why not write the frickin’ message in the song as a metaphor? Hey, that’s a novel approach to song making! I never thought I’d say this but too bad blogs weren’t available back then. He could’ve spared us the long, confusing openings.

7. Motorama (Turn Up the Radio)
There are three things going on in this song. First, they are singing about how they love cars. Second, they are singing about how to win over a guy. Third, they are requesting that the radio be turned up. That’s par for the course here but you can’t just throw in a line just because you need a rhyme (like I just did). There is one line in the whole song that has to do with winning over the guy and one line that has to do with turning up the radio. The rest of the song is devoted to weird cliches about cars. You can’t put a line in the title of your song unless you intend to make it mean something to the song. That’s rule one! I’m handing it down right now, Orlando.

8. Forgive
Why does this guy even care about lyrics? Why doesn’t he just make enjoyable dance instrumentals? The choruses aren’t even catchy enough to be singable. I feel like I’m listening to some weird version of Microsoft’s SongSmith where it’s reversed. The computer is just spitting out random lyrics over the music that has been provided. I must be some kind of idiot. I’m listening to the simplest lyrics ever written and I can’t figure out what they mean. I sing along better to Aesop Rock than this. Is this guy messing with me?

9. Like A Thief In The Night
The low amount of self-esteem these girls must have is frightening. It sounds like they are telling a guy who cheated on a girl to go back to her because she’s crying about breaking up. They then tell the girl not to worry because he’ll be back before you know it to ease her sorrows. By the way, I’m starting to worry about myself here. I can’t seem to draw the line between the reality of these session singers and Bobby O’s lyrics. Who’s singing what? Is it unfair of me to think that these songs are completely plucked out of thin air as opposed to personal experience?

10. After Midnite
Continuing from the last song - why don’t these girls just leave these awful guys? This guy just wants to hang out with his friends all night and not do any of the chores or spend time with the singer. So, instead of saying that she will leave (except for a tiny inference), she just says that she needs him home before midnight because she’s scared. Move back home with your parents if you’re afraid to live alone. They still have your Pac-Man night lights.

After writing this dumb blog entry (because I’m bored at work) I am starting to realize that maybe I don’t need to download everything in the world just because it was released in the 80s and is poppy. If this just comes on in shuffle I can bare it because I’m not paying attention. I guess that’s what shuffle is for… I don’t ever put it on if I’m trying to listen to good music - only when I don’t care what plays.

I guess they are right when they said that the MP3 killed the discerning ear. Digital music is so accessible anymore that I’ll download entire discographies based on a one-hit wonder. Maybe I better rethink my music consumption.

Oh, what am I saying? I love all this no-brain fluff. I don’t have wild, promiscuous sex so this is my hedonistic escapism. Leave me alone and bring on the eargasms!

By the way, I took the time to type the above lyrics out all by myself, so come on, read them (apparently, lyrics to songs by The Flirts aren’t as highly sought after on the web as I had hoped).